We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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