They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
