the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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