I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
