How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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