I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
