Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
