I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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