Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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