i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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