my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
