google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
