Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
