Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
