Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
