Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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