I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
