Barsexuality is the new black.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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