Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
not ubering you a puppy
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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