There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
