LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
