So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
