My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
