there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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