They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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