Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
