Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i out mim tonsoeep
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