i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
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I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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