genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
