Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
