Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
