We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
