So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think my moral compass just broke
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
