What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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