Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
