make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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