my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
