It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks