I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
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I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
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We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.