I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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