My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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