I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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