booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
