Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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