You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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