I accidentally burped into my bong.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
