My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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