i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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