My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
