i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
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I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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