I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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