I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
