You smell like stripper and shame
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
